Human Behavior

Is it possible? Can you really love your kids TOO much?

Here is a terrific article from The Huffington Post that gives some fabulous free advice to “cockpit parents.” What’s a “cockpit parent”? A step above the helicopter hovering so prevalent in the Baby Boomer generation, these parents are unintentionally controlling their child’s life to such a point that the child really HAS no life of their own.

I see this all the time, even in my own extended family (and I’m sure a lot of you do, too).

I’ll ask a college kid “What’s your major?” and the mother or father will jump in: “He’s an English major.”

Ask the child about their hobbies, and be prepared for a 30 minute diatribe from Mom or Dad.

Sheesh! Give the poor kids a break–so many of them today are totally and completely smothered and handicapped by their parents. There are even statistics cited in this piece from American Express market research to demonstrate it.

I call it “Failure to Fledge” syndrome, and it’s all around you.

Kids are living with their parents even AFTER obtaining an all-expenses-paid college education (and sometimes even multiple advanced degrees) and yet still find themselves dependent on their parents’ bank accounts for even the most basic needs. I even know a couple who regularly fund their married, unemployed, adult daughter’s “Savings Account” (yes, she’s 27 and still lives at home for free, too). Some of these live-at-home-with-mom-and-dad’s are even married with children of their own.

Long term, the price these childlike adults actually pay in personal self-respect is terribly sad.

It’s a type of personal paralysis that’s very painful to watch and leaves an adult child racked with self-doubt (though often successfully camouflaged with an appearance of utmost confidence).

They have all the credentials, but no career. No motivation. No aspirations. No desire. No ambition. No self-direction.

Here are a few warning signs to look for in your own parenting (if your child is over 18, of course).

Have you ever:

Filled out an application for your child?
Written their resume?
Called in favors from professional friends, requesting internships, etc.?
Listed yourself as a reference on your child’s resume? [Please, tell me you didn't!]
Provided groceries, laundry services, etc. free of charge?
“Straightened out” a cell phone or other bill or interceded in a phone call to customer service?

If you think there’s the slightest possibility you might be handicapping your children while trying to help them (in other words, are you out of the denial phase yet?), please do yourself a favor and read this insightful article by Christine Hassler at the Huffington Post: “Cockpit Parents: How They’re Flying 20-Somethings Into the Ground.”

I strongly urge you to take some time to read through some of the readers’ comments at the end of the article so you can see how some of these “kids” (and their competitors in the real-world marketplace) feel about the situation.

Here’s a bit of sage advice from the conclusion of the piece:

“Get your own life. This is a tough one for many parents who pride themselves on being friends with their children. Please don’t be their friend on Facebook and comment on all their photos. Give them some space, and find your own as well. Invest in yourself, spend time with friends and start doing the things you put off because you were investing so much time into making your child what you think he or she could be. Let them be who they are, and discover who you are.”

Words of Wisdom, if you’re ready to receive them yet.

Do you love your children enough to let them go?

—–
P.S. If you’re one of the kids on the receiving end of this parenting “style,” Christine Hassler has written a five-star rated book, 20 Something Manifesto: Quarter-Lifers Speak Out About Who They Are, What They Want, and How to Get It, available at Amazon.

—-
Update from ABC News: 60% Parents Providing Financial Support to Their Adult Children

—–
Kerri Elders @kerriskitchen